I have many times heard someone to say that he likes to read books in the original language, the language they have been written. They think books are better that way. I do understand it but I have to admit that I don't do that. I need to read in Finnish. It's not that I don't understand other languages. In University all the books I had to read were in English. Some were in Swedish or even in Spanish and it wasn't a problem. I understand other languages better than I write or speak them.

But when it comes to novels I want to read them in Finnish. Finnish language is safe palce to be, well of course, it's my home. I do can read science books in English and be perfectly happy with them but when it comes to novels it's not important to just understand what is going on, I want to understand the space between lines, I want to understand the silence, things that writer doesn't tell. And it's harder to understand silence when silence speaks English.

Most of all, it's not actually understanding what's important. I love words. Words tastes different in Finnish, they feel different, they go directly where they should go, to my heart. English words wonder around my body before they figure out where they should be going.

But on the other hand... maybe it's just me being lazy. It can't be impossible to feel safe around other languages too. There are authors who have written great books in language which is not their mother tongue. It might just be that I read very fast in Finnish but not so fast in other languages and I'm way too impatient person...

So maybe I should try. I should take those weirdest, the most beautiful books that I can find and read them as long as I start to feel something, start to feel safe, start to feel familiar. But you know, people don't want to feel insecure. That's why we don't want to get to know anyone or anything that looks different or thinks differently. It's not "different" itself, it's our fear that we don't know how to act and we will make mistakes and someone might realise how small and stupid we actually are. Finnish language is the place where I feel myself secure. I know how it works, I understand even the smallest things, especially the space between lines. So maybe I'm just being coward, not wanting to take a chance to make mistakes or feel myself insecure, when I keep reading my novels in Finnish.

So... ok, I promise to read some more in English. Something great. Something difficult. Something where the silence really screams and I just have to understand it. And I promise to write some more English here too. And I promise to suffer that strange and irritating feeling in my stomach when I feel that I'm missing something or I can't express myself perfectly. Who knows, maybe one day I will.